Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Tyson Liberal - Conservative Test

“To err is human. If you make the same mistake twice you are a moron.” Me. Or somebody else - I can’t remember.

With the heated political rhetoric that has been common to modern-day politics, many people just trying to live their lives don’t really know where they stand on the liberal-conservative relative spectrum. Here are ten easy Questions to determine if you are a liberal or a conservative, or somewhere in between. Rate your answer using a 1-10 number scale, where 10 indicates strong agreement, and 0 indicates strong disagreement, with 5 being neutral. (Other political leanings such as libertarian are ignored)

1. Government is the most efficient, honest way to run social and medical programs, utilizing highly motivated, inventive employees that emphasize strict control of projects and efficient use of cost-cutting technologies.

2. All people, no matter how lazy, deserve good quality medical care and food. And Flat-screen TV’s.

3. The rich people in the world should pay for everything for everybody, because, after all, they didn’t do anything to earn their money, and everyone knows the rich wouldn’t even miss the money needed to make all people live in nice houses with good food and medical care. Additionally, businesses and jobs would grow exponentially since everyone would be relatively wealthy. Soon, the rich could keep their money because everyone would be wealthy.

4. Even though programs like Cap and Trade could severely damage our economy and cause us to lose ground in the competitive world marketplace while making only negligible headway in combating greenhouse gases, it is worth the price because we can set a good example for the rest of the world and be proud of ourselves. China and India are sure to clean up their industries as soon as they see us clean up ours.

5. Someone who doesn’t want to pay high taxes is a racist. (In writing out this test, I can’t find anyone who can explain this, but many people seem to think it is true, so I must be missing something.)

6. Someone who doesn’t want to pay high taxes is a hate monger. This is obvious. If you don’t want to give people your money, you must really hate them.

7. Medical malpractice attorneys are honest, dedicated, benevolent people who are deeply concerned with the public’s health care, and will help keep medical care excellent while simultaneously reducing costs as part of Obamacare.

8. Most of the gains in medicine, technology, communications, etc., are due to the work of forward-thinking progressives and diligent government-sponsored programs. Ben Franklin, James Watt, Thomas Edison and Bill Gates were secret government employees.

9. Barbara Streisand is absolutely brilliant, and should be president of the US, with Joy Behar vice president. Or the other way around. Doesn’t matter.

10. It is clear that Al Gore invented the internet, but did not invent global warming.

Now, add up the scores. If you scored between

0 and 10, - you are a true conservative, nothing less than a fine human being, who understands the meaning of survival.

11 and 20, - you are well grounded, with a firm grasp on the obvious.

21 and 30, - you are of reasonable intelligence and common sense, and can handle a difficult job, such as middle-management and jobs requiring technical skills.

31 and 50, - you are capable of handling a job of minimal importance, but should be treated with respect.

51 and 80 - You are clinically alive, but should not be allowed to participate in politics, and should have your pulse checked every few days.

81 and 100 - Wow! Congratulations! Miracles do exist! You are completely delusional. You are, however, a proud liberal/progressive, and are qualified to teach in prestigious colleges and universities, be a news broadcaster with NBC (or have your own opinion show on MSNBC since Keith Olberman is now gone), write a column for the New York Times, or run for president in the Democratic Party.

If you are conflicted, I hope this helped you understand your political leanings.

Mercer Tyson

1 comment:

  1. I love it when you frame all your statements with easy to understand feelings. Sounds fair to me, but then again, I scored 110! DPK